In-Ur-Endo
by Beyond the Bedroom
Summary: Bella's one-liners never seem to work. That is, until she meets what she thinks is a hot nerd in a bar. Looks can be deceiving.


**Title:** **In-Ur-Endo**

 **Summary:** Bella's one-liners never seem to work. That is, until she meets what she thinks is a hot nerd in a bar. Looks can be deceiving.

 **Pairing:** **Edward/Bella**

 **Rating:** **M**

 **Word Count:** **5,113**

 **DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material** **is** **copyright to** **Stephenie** **Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.**

 **In-Ur-Endo**

I was not like everyone else.

I didn't get the giggles when drunk, didn't pull silly faces when I was nervous. No, that's not what I did at all.

My little drunk habit was so much worse. I knew how bad it was, how disgusting, but when I was drunk, I just didn't fucking care.

Drunk me liked to go up to random men and try to pick them up, using the filthiest pick-up lines I could come up with. It was bad poetry in motion. It was kind of how I imagined Amy Schumer or Sarah Silverman on an off day.

What was worse, I knew I wasn't even smooth about it. At all.

"Hey, baby, are you feeling homicidal? 'Cause you look like you could MURDER my pussy!"

Cue awkward silence and looks of abject horror. I was in fine form tonight.

Stumbling a few steps towards the bar, I spotted what my tequila goggles said was an absolute fucking eleven and leaned in close…

"Mmm, I think I figured out why they call it a beaver …"

The eleven curled his lip. "Excuse me?"

" … 'cause I'm dying for some wood!" I wiggled my eyebrows and even threw in a saucy wink. When the guy, who was now clearly a two, started moving away, I just zoomed in on her next target.

And the next.

An hour went by like this…

"Those pants are so becoming on you … if I were on you I'd be coming too!"

"Pussy got your tongue? Do you want mineto?"

"You know, "Me so horny" is my theme song, and, baby, you've got me hitting repeat."

"Are you a hamburger? Why do I ask? 'Cause you could be the meat between my buns."

"You know I was raised on a chicken farm, and, honey, I sure know how to raise a cock!"

Feeling slightly discouraged by the lack of takers, I decided to move my mojo over to the set of booths lining the back wall. Maybe I could hook myself a wallflower and fuck some of this rejection out of my system.

That's when I saw _him_.

He was nervously eyeing up the dance floor, his hand running through his hair as he watched the free amateur pornography going down in front of him. And what hair it was. Slightly red and just long enough that I could imagine being able to get a good handful of it while he screwed my brains out.

He had on black-rimmed glasses and a gray hoodie. And crocs. Motherfucking crocs in a nightclub. Jesus, this might work in my favor.

I'd always had a wet spot for a hot nerd, and this guy fit the bill. I watched him smile bashfully at a few women and couldn't believe my luck when they all kept their distance.

Obviously, they were fucking stupid. And I was going to be the lucky bitch that reaped the benefits.

I pondered what line to use. Should I go suggestive and try to ease him into it, (hah) or should I just let my freak flag fly fully and hope he was so overcome with lust he'd try to mount me in the booth.

Please, God, let it be the latter.

I willed him to look my way, and when he finally did and caught me eyeing him like the fucking diamond in the rough he was, my hot geek swallowed hard.

Oh, swallowing hard …

Shaking my head to get back in the game, I slowly sauntered over to him. I unabashedly adjusted my tits in my cleavage barring top and couldn't help but giggle when his eyes widened comically.

As I got closer, his eyes started to bounce from my chest to my eyes and then around, as if making sure it really was him I was stalking.

Oh yes, sweetheart, mamma is coming for you. Hopefully in the literal sense.

"Um …" Oh how sweet, he thought he was chatting _me_ up.

"Hey hot stuff, how about I pretend to be your washing machine…"

Green, green eyes blinked rapidly as he stammered, "Umm, sure, umm, I mean, why?"

Like candy from a fuck-hot baby.

"Because then you could empty your load inside me!" I popped my hip out, running a finger along the edges of the table.

"Huh … I … fuck … I mean, okay. I mean, yes, fuck yes."

Hot nerd, say what?

"So that actually works for you?" I wasn't quite sure how to handle a positive response to my usual brand of vulgarity.

"I'm positive I could do…that…to you." Long fingers ran through hair that was redder up close, kissable lips hastily licked by a tongue I wanted to get biblical with.

"I'm sure you could…"

"Edward. Call me Edward."

"I'd rather scream it."

"Oh my fuck…"

"Bella…'oh my fuck, Bella,' is the correct answer."

Not wanting to push my luck any further, I pulled my hot nerd from his corner booth and toward the door. I really had to jump on this opportunity (and him, God, yes, him) before the shock wore off and he realized exactly what he was in for.

He was in for me. In me. On me. Over me. Behind me, etcetera.

I was about to put it on his ass like he'd never had it put on him before. Because from the looks of my sexy mo-fo nerd, he'd probably only ever gotten his dick wet in the missionary position and probably by some chick who didn't even know how her vagina worked.

I was the master of my vag. I was a master-vager (heh). Edward was going to get it so good.

As I was leading Edward to his death by orgasm, I pulled up my account and booked my favorite Uber. I simply sent, "I'm gonna take a ride on his DISCO STICK!"

Alice was there in five minutes.

Bitch knew not to twat-block me.

"Someone finally took you up on your offer to blow them like a birthday candle?"

Oh natch, I was so using that one later.

"Edward, meet Alice. Alice, see this face? I'm going to be riding it soon."

Cue strangled groan from Edward.

"Nice to meet you, Bella-Fucker."

Edward's eyebrows arched. I kind of wanted to lick them but decided Alice might not want us to start the pokey-pokey in her car.

"You're awfully quiet there, Eddie. Not sure that's a good sign, Bellinni!" Alice sing-songed. I was about to verbally cut a bitch when my secret freak decided to speak.

"I assure you, Alice, neither of us will be quiet later."

"Resting your tongue for later?"

"Yes."

I couldn't help it. My va-jay-jay and I were so happy we did a dance. Edward just smiled bashfully at us both. Well, I'm guessing it was both since my "who's your momma" was covered for the moment.

We finally pulled up to my small and very humble abode, and I all but dragged poor Edward out of Alice's car.

"Have fun in pound town! Edward, do my girl right!"

Aww, that was so sweet.

"Goodnight, Alice, it was nice meeting you and I will do my utmost to ensure Bella is done right."

"Save the dirty talk for later, Eds. Bye, bitch!"

As soon as I got Edward inside (wink wink), I pushed him against my door and ran my fingers along his jaw. He had such a lickable jaw. So, naturally, I licked the fucker.

"Mmm, tasty. You taste this good everywhere, handsome?" I asked coyly, enjoying the wide-eyed look Edward gave me in return. "How about we start with your mouth, hmm?"

I gave his bottom lip a little lick before leaning in to press my lips against his. As soon as our mouths touched, it was like a switch was flipped.

Suddenly, I was the one against the door, and Edward was in control. He kissed me hard. He kissed me like a man possessed. He kissed me, oh so fucking good.

Then came the tongue.

Sonnets should be written about his tongue. And so far, it'd only been in my mouth. I couldn't wait for him to show me how he worked it a little lower.

I let out a porn-star-worthy moan and latched my fingers into his hair. He grunted as I gave it a little pull, his body arching into mine.

Well, hello there, my hopefully not so little friend.

I pulled back a little harder on his hair, unlatching his oh so talented mouth from mine, and what do you know, the smooth fucker just slid it right down my neck.

I was beginning to wonder if I had a case of nerd in the streets, freak nasty in the sheets.

Dear God and all the disciples, please let this be true. Momma needs it bad.

"Mmm, Edward … keep going," I panted, doing my best impression of rutting up against him like a bitch in heat. Motherfucker! Where had he been all my non-virgin life?

"Bella, I should probably warn you about something." Edward's voice was muffled as he used his teeth to drag my shirt farther south, his tongue making so fucking nice with my cleavage.

I bucked against him, and my hot little not-so-wallflower/sex god quickly got the hint, grasping my leg so I could wrap it around his hip. And goddamn what an angle, good for a little old-fashioned dry humping.

Or not so dry on my end. Edward was like a motherfucking pussy whisperer, and I was already ruining my "get lucky" panties.

"Honey, if you keep using that, um, fuck yeah, talented tongue of yours … mmm yeah, bite it … you could be a serial killer for all I ca … oh fuckity fuck!" My eyes rolled back as he used his free hand to yank down the cup of my bra, his lips and tongue twirling around a very happy nipple. He took direction well and bit down a little on the rough side, but it was the simultaneous thrust and roll of his hips that set off fireworks.

Jesus, fuck, again, where had this magnificent man been hiding?

Edward released my nipple after giving it a soothing lick, his head lolling back and his vivid green eyes meeting mine. The eyes were that of the wallflower, with a hint of very, very horny man swimming in them.

"Bella, I'm shy. I don't talk to women without getting a fucking ulcer. I wear Batman boxer briefs, and I attend comic-cons religiously. I don't have sexy as hell women come up to me in clubs and ask me to have sex. But …" He huffed, rolling his eyes to the ceiling before taking off his glasses and placing them on the small table by the door.

He cocked his head to the side, his lips curling into a sinfully wicked, crooked grin.

He dragged his hands from my hips around to my ass, getting a firm grip and yanking me up and against him. I quickly wrapped by legs around his waist and moaned as he sharply thrust himself against me.

"I like to fuck. And I really, really want to fuck you good and goddamn proper like I promised your friend. I want my mouth on your tits. I want your mouth on my cock. I want to shove this fucking ridiculous excuse of a skirt up your waist, push your panties to the side, and lick what I'm sure is a fucking drenched pussy. I want to suck your clit while you ride my fingers. And, Bella, I'm not above kissing a little ass. I want to fuck you so good, so goddamn hard you'll feel me for days. I just have one question."

Guh.

I'm pretty sure I just had multiples. Jesus, he had a gloriously dirty mouth.

"Wha … ahem … I mean … Huh?" I was proud I could even speak.

"Wall, bed"—he craned his neck and looked around the small space—"couch, or counter? Doesn't matter to me. Why don't you think about it while I get reacquainted with these fucking fantastic tits of yours?" With zero preamble, he dipped his head and sucked a nipple into his mouth, tongue twirling so fast it made my clit jealous. Then the teeth, Jesus fuck, the teeth.

He continued to grind against me, his mouth switching from left to right, and I was getting precariously close to coming just from the boob play alone.

And the humping, sweet mercy, the humping was so good.

I was trying to clear my head long enough to think my options through. A bed had its perks, but I was feeling a little out of the ordinary tonight. The couch had a few unpleasant springs here and there, and the counter was cluttered with mail, and a paper cut on my ass or anywhere else would kill the mood. Plus, I was kind of a slut for a good, hard fuck against the wall. And I knew, without a doubt, that Edward could deliver on both counts.

Mind made up, I pulled his head away from my chest (my nipples threatened to mutiny) and brought his mouth to mine. I licked his bottom lip before biting with just the right amount of sting. I let one hand trail down a surprisingly solid chest, over a metal belt buckle, and finally palmed his hard cock through his pants.

The groan that slipped from his lips would be a permanent fixture in my spank bank.

I gave him a good, hard squeeze as I meet his eyes. "I want you to fuck me right here. I want you on your knees, my leg on your shoulder, and that fucking wicked mouth between my legs. But first, I want to get a good long look at what my hand is telling me is a goddamn glorious cock."

It was Edward's turn to hiss and sputter, his jaw dropping and his Adam's apple bobbing.

Speaking of bobbing …

I loosened my legs from around his hips and slid down the wall. Once I was eye-level with his crotch, I leaned in close and opened my mouth against denim, lightly scrapping against his hard-on with my teeth. Edward swore an impressive litany of curse words, one hand twisting and tangling in my hair.

Oh please, on everything holy, let him be a hair puller.

I quickly worked to undo his jeans, smirking when I could glimpse a familiar yellow symbol against straining black cotton. It's time this supercock was released from the bat cave.

I shimmed both his pants and boxers down, and Edward's cock proudly bobbed and slapped his abdomen.

Holy cock, Batman!

I could write filthy poems about his penis. It was lightly veined, just thick enough so I knew I'd feel the stretch of him as he slid it inside me, and lengthwise …

My pussy quivered at the sight. Half in fright and half in "God, yes please!"

"Bella, could you maybe stare at it later? I'm dying here!" Edward rocked a little on his heels, and the cock-o-wonder nudged me insistently on the cheek.

Well, it did ask so nicely. Jaws, prepare yourselves.

"Oh, fucking sweet mother of … ughn … That's it, baby. You look so goddamn hot with my dick between your pretty lips. Ugh, yeah, can you take more? Oh, sweet fuck … that's stellar … fuck yes, swallow around my cock, sweetheart." I swallowed, sucking as much as I could deep into my throat. I tongued the vein, and Edward's hand fisted just a little tighter in my hair. I pulled back with a slick pop, tonguing his slit and rolling his balls in my palm.

"Fuck my mouth, Edward. I know you want to." Edward keened, one hand flexing in my hair and the other slamming against the wall.

"Jesus fucking Christ! Put that filthy fucking mouth back on my cock, and you better take every last inch."

"Yes, sir." I did as told and sucked him as deep as he would go, his hands twisting, lifting me almost off, and then pushing me, only just this side of rough, back down. I knew I was good at this, and if the sweat on Edward's forehead and the arch of his hips was any indication, Edward was thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Fucking amazing, dirty fucking mouth. Goddamn, baby, you should be sucking my dick every fucking day. Fuck … up, shit … stop, baby. I wanna come inside that needy little pussy. Yeah, bet sucking my cock's got you begging for it. Fuckin' … dammit … stop!" Edward's hands moved to my shoulders, and he pushed me back. I slid off with a pop, licking my lips and pouting slightly.

"I was enjoying myself! I liked having your dick in my mouth, down my throat …" Edward banged his head against the wall and made a stop motion with his hand.

"You're killing me, Smalls."

Oh, a hot half-naked man who quoted one of the best movies of all time?

Pussy wept.

Edward kicked off his crocs (he had to have one fault), his jeans, and underwear and took a small step forward. Then in that somehow universal and sexy as fuck move all men know, he reached behind his neck and pulled his hoodie up and over his head. I swear on my sweet rack I whined and made grabby hands.

Edward was slender but toned. Lean muscles and that motherfucking clit-twitchingly sexy deep V pointing straight to his perfect cock.

Momma likey. Momma wanna pounce on that shit.

Edward took a small step forward, and I was too distracted by his nakedness to notice as he began to yank my shirt up. He huffed a little, and I got with the program, raising my arms for him to lift it over my head. He cocked his head to the side, eyeing my chest in my lace-edged bra.

"As pretty of a picture as that makes, I want a proper look at those tits." Quicker than I thought possible, he had my bra undone, dragged down my arms, and tossed to the side. "Fuckin' hell … Bella, those are …" Edward let out a low whistle, and I couldn't stop the proud smile from lifting my lips.

My boobs were pretty damn fantastic. All natural and more than a couple hands full. I smirked as Edward's fingers made a sort of honking motion that he didn't even seem to be aware of.

Suddenly, I was spun around, my back hitting the cool wall and making me suck in a sharp breath. In the next second, Edward's hands were full of the girls, and his thumbs were tracing maddening circles around my nipples.

I arched into his hand, a wanton moan slipping past my lips. The cocky bastard smirked once before darting his head and replacing his thumbs with his tongue.

My fingers dug into his hair as his tongue lathed and his teeth nipped. I was already panting like a whore, and he hadn't even gotten me fully naked yet. I wanted that talented tongue lower, those fingers deep inside.

Turns out, Edward must be a mind reader as well as a fucking hot lay.

With one quick movement, my skirt was pushed up my waist. Warm hands slid past my hips and down my thighs, nails scrapping my skin on the path back up. I whimpered as he slid his index fingers in the creases, stretching out his hand and running both thumbs maddeningly slow up the center of my panties.

"Jesus, Bella, you're fucking soaked. I haven't even gotten to show you what I'm really good at yet. I think I promised to put my mouth right here"—his thumb circled my clit, and I whimpered—"promised to let you ride my fingers while I licked your sweet, little pussy. You are sweet, aren't you, Bella? I can fucking smell you, and it's making my mouth water. Care if I have a preview?" He roughly slid my panties to the side, pressing two fingers just barely inside me, sliding them up to quickly circle my clit.

He brought his wet fingers between us and paused, looking between our mouths. "Suck them like you did my cock, beautiful."

I quickly obeyed, humming around his fingers as I tasted myself on him. "Care to share?" He didn't wait for an answer before pressing his mouth to mine and shoving his tongue inside my mouth.

He twisted his tongue with mine and grunted against my lips. He pulled back, his eyes squeezed shut, as he licked his lips languidly. "Fuckin' delicious, but I'm greedy, Bella. I want more than just a sample. Is that okay with you, baby? Is it okay if I have more of you? Can I lick you up, Bella?"

"Jesus … yes … anything … just please …" I babbled, his filthy mouth and his relentless thumb pressing and circling my clit, driving me out of my goddamn mind.

With one last quick peck to my lips, Edward began his descent. Stopping to tease a nipple, to swirl around my belly button, and to nibble on my hipbone. True to his earlier promises, he roughly shoved aside my panties, holding them to the side with one hand. I felt him tap my thigh, and I opened my legs wider.

"Uh-uh, baby, I seem to remember you explicitly telling me you wanted your leg over my shoulder. Do it."

I needed no further coaxing.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. Look at this wet little pussy, all for me. You're fucking dripping all over, darlin'. I better clean you up." He swiped once, twice, and then dipped inside and swirled.

I saw motherfucking stars, and I'm pretty sure I pulled a strand or two of his hair out.

His tongue was magic. He seemed to know just where to flick to make me cry out and shamelessly shove his face deeper. He used his fingers to hold me open, licking from left to right then angling his head to fuck me deep inside. He hummed and moaned, the lapping sounds loud as he feasted on me. I'd never been given it so good.

He slid his tongue north, and I began chanting his name along with a few fucks and yeses and dear God don't fucking stops. He used a feather light touch at first to circle my clit then flattened and pressed down hard. I twitched and jerked and begged him for more.

Then he sucked and scraped his teeth gently and thrust two fingers deep inside. He pulled his mouth back, and I whined, but he kept those gloriously long and talented fingers pumping into me.

"Could eat you all day, baby. Taste so fucking good; feel so fucking tight around my fingers. Wanna feel this on my cock"—he pressed deeper, his fingers twisting and curling and oh God, oh God, oh God—"right there, baby? That's your spot, isn't it? Hmm, you're gonna come so hard. Gonna drench my fingers, aren't you? I'm going to lick every fucking drop then make you suck yourself off my fingers again. So fucking sexy; come on, sugar."

Jesus, his words, his fingers. I just needed …

"Put your mouth back … suck me, lick me … fuck, fuck, fuck!" Within seconds of his tongue back where it belonged, I was flying apart. Coming so hard my head slammed back against the wall, and my knees threatened to give out.

Edward did as he said; his fingers still circled, and his tongue licked me clean. When it became too much, I pulled his head back, and he gave one last flick of his tongue before standing up.

"Open." His voiced was husky and strained, and I quickly obeyed, sucking his fingers inside my mouth and swirling my tongue to remove my taste from them. Without removing his fingers, he hooked them and pulled my mouth open and my head forward, slanting his mouth over the corner of my lips and swiping his tongue inside to twist with mine.

It was the tenth hottest thing he'd done since stepping inside my house.

Speaking of inside…

"Fuck me, Edward. Fuck me with that huge cock and make me come again. I want to soak your cock like I did your fingers." Two could play this dirty talk game.

I'd never seen a man find a condom in his wallet so fast. I'd also never removed my own clothes so quickly. To say we were both eager would be an understatement.

I watched him slide the condom down his impressive length with unabashed excitement.

I was about to get fucked like it was going out of style. It almost made me weep. Weep for his cock.

Edward stalked, that was the only word for it, toward me and rested his forehead against mine. His hands made a rough grab for my hips. "Up!"

I didn't need to be told twice.

I used his shoulders as leverage and pulled myself up; Edward's hands helping me maneuver into place. I could feel him, hot and hard as steel against me. I grasped him by the back of the neck, tracing my tongue along his bottom lip.

I was ready for the fucking.

And as he guided himself to my center, sliding it up and down and coating himself with my wetness, it seemed he was too.

"Hold on tight … Sweet Jesus!" Edward snapped his hips and pushed deep, making my breath catch in my throat. He set a punishing rhythm, and I clung to him as I bounced.

One hand held my hip as the other came to slam beside my head, and a picture rattled and fell to the floor. I couldn't care less if the whole house fell apart as long as his dick stayed right where it was. He gritted his teeth, and I could have sworn he growled as he swiveled and thrust. Searching, searching, searching for that sweet spot.

"Oh, oh … Edward, fuck, you fuck so good, and holy mother of fuuuuuuck!" I babbled as he locked onto that mythical holy land that only my battery-operated friend could ever seem to find.

His smirk was the definition of cocky.

"That's it, huh? That's the … fuck you feel so goddamn good … spot. Jesus, do that again." I tightened my muscles around his dick, squeezing him harder every time he retreated. His head dropped, his hot breath on my shoulders right before he bit down.

I squealed and said a few words I'm pretty sure weren't even real. But Edward was a quick study.

"You like that? Like it when I bite you while I fuck you?" He didn't wait for an answer; his teeth scraped and slid up my neck, biting and nibbling as his cock continued to erase every thought but him from my head.

"So, so good. Edward, fuck, I'm close." I panted, my hand sliding between us and plucking my nipple. Edward swore hotly, shaking his head.

"Lower. Put those fingers on your clit; put them on me. Feel me fucking you." Edward grunted, his fingers curling harder into my hip. I knew I would have bruises, and it fucking excited me.

I moved my hand lower, past my clit and down. I let my fingers form a "V" and glided them over his slick cock. I felt him twitch and heard the heavy exhale of air against my neck. With my fingers now soaked, I moved them to my clit and pressed hard. I began to move them in circles, and I knew it wouldn't take long. I moaned and rolled my hips against Edward's cock and against my own fingers. I could feel the pressure building.

"That's it, baby. Keep those fingers on that clit. You and me, Bella, we're going to make you come so fucking hard the neighbors will hear you scream. Jesus, that's so fucking hot. God, come, baby, fucking come … I can't …"

A sharp thrust, a swivel of pounding hips, and a circle of my own fingers and the coil snapped. Edward was right. I screamed, I cursed, and I came so hard and so good that I could feel it down to the tips of my toes.

"EDWARD … OH FUCK, FUCK!" I yanked his hair, then I turned the tables and bit him hard on the shoulder. He jerked and growled and slammed deep a few more times.

"Fuckin shit, fuckin can't … gonna … BELLA!" His voice was loud but hoarse, and the grunt he breathed against my neck sent aftershocks trembling through me.

His own knees must have weakened because he took us both to the floor, his arms clutching me tightly to him. Our bodies slid against each other delightfully from the sweat we'd both worked up.

I let my head loll back and gave him a lazy, fully-satisfied grin. My God, I'd hit the jackpot. This man was sex personified, and there was no way I was letting this be a one-time thing.

I needed that dick on the regular. That tongue and those fingers too.

"So, um … I … um … I'd very much like to do that again. And often." Edward's voice came out slightly husky but with the same adorable shyness of my earlier hot nerd conquest.

"Honey, you can do me any time you like. Consider it open season on my hoo-ha for you. You can come any day or night. As long as I get to come, too." I wiggled my eyebrows, and Edward let out a soft chuckle.

"You're crazy, but I like your kind of crazy. I like you."

"I like you, too. And your wonder-cock." I couldn't help it. It needed to be praised. I'd erect (heh heh) statues to it if he'd let me.

"You seem to have a one-track mind … and your tits are very distracting." Twitch.

"Oh, my …"

"Bella, I do believe you said something about my face earlier."

"I did? Well, hot stuff, you fucked my brains out, so refresh my memory." I ran my finger along his bottom lip, and he playfully nipped at it.

Oh, I wanted to keep him.

"It was something along the lines of you riding it." Edward licked his lips, and that smoldering spark was back in his eyes.

I squeaked, jumping up and trying to pull him up with me. I hooked my thumb behind me and pointed. "Bedroom's that way, stud."

Oh, we were both about to get it so good.

Again.


End file.
